This idea has been on my mind a lot.
How much time do I waste watching TV?
How much time and energy do I waste not getting along with people?
The answer to both is just too much.
Then I was thinking about breastfeeding. I am trying to figure out when to wean the baby. When he's ready. Am I ready???? This is just nuts. I have so many mixed feelings about it, it is not funny.
I think he is done. Or is sick again possibly. Going to dr today to confirm that the infection is finally gone. He just finished meds today. So, I guess that will answer that.
Anyway, I know that we are getting near the end. He got along pretty much fine while I was in Montreal. And my milk levels have really gone down, and my body is getting back to normal routines and normal hormone levels. So, he likely doesn't like nursing when he isn't getting the milk he usually gets.
Which is probably why he is BITING ME ALL THE TIME!!! I am such an over analyzer. I feel rejected and not capable. I am saddened. Not quite broken hearted, but getting close. I know it isn't real rejection and it is just a natural progression. But, figuring it out - I have spent 4 years of my young life breastfeeding. Isn't that CRAZY?!?!?! I couldn't believe it. The little rugrats better appreciate it :)
I certainly don't regret any part of it. And have longed for and wished for and waited for my body to be my own body again. No baby in it dictating what I eat and drink. And no baby feeding from me dictating what I eat, drink, meds I take and where I go and how long I stay, etc etc. BUT, now that the time has come, I wish I had more time. Damned if I do, damned if I don't!
I think I should have been a Gemini instead of a Taurus. I am always so conflicted and usually to opposite ends of extremes ....
Although I feel overwhelmed with my kids and three is enough - sometimes too much - I feel grief and like mourning. I won't be nuturing another infant, or nourishing one. That special bond won't be built with any more babies. I won't experience the wonderment and miracle of pregnancy and birth. Feeling those kicks and having a growing belly/baby. No more cuddles like that or naps together, etc etc. So, I feel sad about that. And I'll always be around kids, and might even have grandchildren. And while that will be special in its own way - it won't be like mothering my newborns.
So, life will go on and I'll be fine I know. Just saddening to see the evolution at this stage. It's like saying goodbye to a little part of me that I know I won't be seeing again.
I might sound like a nut, but feel better having splurted this all out.
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2 comments:
You're not a nut! I sort of get where you're coming from. I thought/felt that to be the best mom you could be, you breastfed. It was devastating to me for it not to work out. And even more devastating to make the decision to finally stop it. When I did, I had to mourn that loss. My dream of that closeness, that ultimate bond was gone.
But I am just as close to E in other ways, and you will too with your kids on different levels. Like when M tells you about her first crush. Or P asks what university to go to. Or D wonders where he should settle down.
You're the one they look to. You're their compass in life. And although this chapter in your life is closed, many more chapters are ahead of you. Take your time to mourn this loss, then dry your tears and prepare for the adventures ahead.
~B
Breastfeeding is (in my opinion) the very best thing and most important part of being a mother but it is a part of being a mother.
Be extra good to yourself and take time to feel sad about the reduction and maybe loss of the feeding, you have given your son the best start in life you could have possilbly given him.
Breastfeeding is really an amazing acomplishment, so make sure you take a little time to be proud of what you have acomplished!
Talking about it will help too. As everything else in life.
I think that you deserve a medal for the efforts, accomplishments, and sacrifices that you have already made.
*thoughts*
*hugs*
Neenah
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